Hiccoughs

I just switched up my blogging workflow to use a new app that will allow me to post directly from my iPad, which is where I do most of my blog-writing. Unfortunately, the app's system for scheduling a post for the future is the opposite of the website's system, and that wasn't at all clear. So the post that should have gone up this morning will show up tomorrow instead. No big deal, but not what I planned.

On a totally unrelated note, I like the word "hiccough." I think it's interesting English.

Writing update

My stated goal at the beginning of November was to "write something worth posting every day." My unstated goal was to put up a post every weekday. Since Nov. 1st I've written every day and posted every weekday except yesterday. That sounds like a decent start to me.

Most of what I've written lately has been related to job applications and research, but I've carved out 30-60 minutes each day, sometimes more, just to write for the sake of thinking "out loud." I don't think I've been at it long enough for the habit to stick on its own, but my writing time (usually in the evenings) is something I look forward to.

When November is over, I want to keep up the frequent writing, though I think I'll slow down the posting. I've been posting near-daily as a way to keep my promise to myself, but some things need more revision before they go up, and revision also takes time. My goal for December is to post about once a week. If I'm still setting aside writing time every day, that should work fairly well, I think.

A few things I am thankful for

• my husband, who laughs at me when I deserve it
• walks with friends, no matter the weather
• friends who know when to invite themselves over
• role models of a variety of shapes and sizes
• my Facebook cheerleaders
• singing with my fellow GradTONES
• control experiments that work out the way I hoped they would
• warm mugs of tea on frosty mornings
• a welcoming network I can lend to others
• comfort food
• inside jokes about Mr. Collins
• some high school teachers of mine who have been on my mind lately: chemistry, physics, science research and English; you know who you are

30 Days

It's NaNoWriMo time again. I'm not planning to write a novel, but I do think I ought to write more often. So here is my challenge: I will write something worth posting every day. It might be very short, and it might not be posted the day it is written (typos show up easiest when they're most likely to be embarrassing, after all), but I will write something every day in November. And maybe by then I'll have made writing a more frequent habit.

This is not today's post. That felt like cheating. I have something else written that will go up later.

Doctor? When?

Reading Paul Bracher's recent post on titles, I was a bit bothered that all of his examples were of men. Admittedly, he is male, and so, if he's speaking about his own perspective, male pronouns make sense, but this didn't have to be male only:

You'll find that I'm pretty liberal in using "Dr." when addressing letters and e-mails, because you never known when someone is going to get upset at being called "Mister."

When are you nearly guaranteed to upset someone by calling them "Mister"? When that someone is female.

One of my college professors–let's call her Dr. Smith–kept her maiden name after marriage, like plenty of other academic women do. She and her husband –let's call him Dr. Jones–were introduced at an event as "Dr. and Mrs. Jones." In that moment, she lost her name and her title to the old-fashioned assumptions that Dr. = Mr. + PhD, and that a married woman always takes her husband's name.

Another commenter at ChemBark described one of my own fears along these lines:

…sometimes those students would call a male professor "Dr." but then use the title "Ms" or "Mrs" with me (While we were in the same room! And with a male professor who was my age!)"

So Paul Bracher can go by Paul if he wants, but when I am an instructor, can I go by Beth? This time next year, I will be Dr. Haas. If I don't insist on the title, will I forfeit the respect that comes with it?

When to speak and what to say

Several events have gotten tangled in my thoughts over the last week, and they've made me consider when and how to say you've been hurt.

Last week, a group I participate in came to a decision in a way that hurt and disappointed me. (The exact details aren't important here, and I don't want to open old wounds.) I emailed the group about it and asked that we find ways to do better in the future. A leader of the group 'thanked me for my honesty' and told me that my message was not an appropriate use for the group email list. That particular leader did not otherwise acknowledge my concerns beyond excusing that person's own part in it. When the group met next in person, the same leader "reminded" the group about proper use of the group list.

Over the weekend, the corner of Twitter I stick my nose into blew up when Dr. Danielle Lee wrote about a very rude encounter she had, and her blog network pulled the post. Plenty of digital ink has been spilled on the subject already, so I refer you to elsewhere for the recap.

As the dust settled on that case, Monica Byrne came forward with the name of the man who sexually harassed her a year ago. It didn't take long for people to tell her she should not have done that.

My own hurts and disappointments are on a much, much smaller scale than what Dr. Lee and Ms. Byrne have so recently experienced, but they share some similarities: we've all spoken up about a way we felt wronged, and someone has felt the need to tell us that it wasn't the right time, place, or way to say what's on our minds.

If not now, then when? If not in public, then where am I being sent to hide? If not this way, then how shall I tell you? Heaven forbid the pain of one person should inconvenience another.

My hurts are small. I will heal quickly. But I wonder, when do you say "I have been hurt,"? How do you start the conversation? Must I always expect my audience to include an advocate for silence?

MATLAB tip of the day: Toggling scales

The Problem

Some of the figures I create can be presented on either logarithmic or linear scales. After creating a plot, I may want to switch scales, but I don't want to type set(gca, 'XScale', 'log') every time (nor do I want to pull it out of the Command History). I want a faster way to switch between lin and log axes.

My Solution

A shortcut, of course. I love shortcuts. This shortcut determines the current scale used for the selected axis, and switches the scaling to the other choice.

Here's the code:

% Toggle scale of Y axis
scaleType = get(gca, 'YScale');
switch scaleType
    case 'linear'
        set(gca, 'YScale', 'log')
        disp('y scale is now log')
    case 'log'
        set(gca, 'YScale', 'lin')
        disp('y scale is now linear')
end

I have two such shortcuts, one for X, and one for Y. (Obviously, for X, you swap in 'XScale' for 'YScale'.)

On Impostors

I've been catching up on my podcast backlog, including Back to Work Episode 132, wherein Dan and Merlin discuss frauds and impostors. Dan had never heard of Impostor Syndrome, and has no sympathy (but plenty of suspicion!) for anyone who says they feel like a fraud. Merlin said he's felt like a fraud, but then the two of them go around and around saying variations of "That's so silly, why would you feel like that? Stop feeling like that."

Thanks, guys. So helpful.

Let me tell you a bit about feeling like an impostor.

I regularly feel under-qualified. Like I must have -- unknowingly -- tricked people around me into thinking that I know what I'm doing. In my eyes, I'm just a country kid with some fancy papers on the wall. The people I'm surrounded by are so smart, and work so hard, and know so many things. And sometimes I feel like a hayseed.

I have to reassure myself that I belong here. It's not something I know, it's something I must actively remember.

My very first day, I met students from Berkeley and Cornell et al., who referred to textbooks by the authors' names and mentioned famous faculty like I might mention the weather. As far as I knew, my textbook was called "Chemistry." My alma mater is practically unknown outside its region, and it has such a confusing name that I know exactly each step in the getting-to-meet-you dance.¹ So there I was, surrounded by students from "better" schools. It was absolutely intimidating.

Now, four and a half years later, I counter that comparison with another: I'm still here, and plenty of students with more prestigious pedigrees couldn't hack it.

Knowing that I'm not a fraud does not stop me from feeling like a fraud, though. It creeps into Q&A's (What if my question is stupid?), it follows me to conferences (I didn't understand that speaker at all; better not say anything), and it nags me as I work through my project (What if I'm wrong? What if I overlooked something? I know so little about this calculation or protocol or field…).

You know what doesn't help this feeling? Hearing that someone else suspects that frauds are everywhere. (Ahem, Dan: "I think the opposite [of Impostor Syndrome] is more common.")

You know what else doesn't help? Being told that your feelings are silly and so you should just change them. It's like telling someone with depression to cheer up, or telling someone with anxiety to stop worrying.

So what does help?

I keep a "Feel-Good File" of positive feedback, and I read it when I begin to doubt. I remind myself of the reasons why I do belong here. I remind myself that I am likely not the only person in the room worried of being found out for having flaws. I forgive others for making mistakes.

It's hard to be successful if you aren't willing to take risks, and it's hard to take risks if you're afraid of being wrong. If you feel like an impostor, you're very afraid of being wrong.

If I do this thing, people may judge me for it. They will find out that I don't actually belong here. They will know I have deceived them. They will not trust me.

The other thing that helps? Knowing that you're not alone.

---

1: You're from where? That's a funny name. Is that part of (totally unrelated famous university)?

MATLAB tip of the day: Toggling figure visibility

The Problem

Usually I like to see MATLAB figures as they are produced, but if I'm running a long script, visible figures can clutter the screen and hog the available memory. I wanted a way to change visibility quickly, easily, and without having to remember how I did it.

My Solution

I wrote a small script that toggles the DefaultFigureVisible state, and popped that into my Shortcuts bar. Now I can just click the shortcut whenever I want to change the state.

Here's the code:

% Toggle figure visibility
state = get(0, 'DefaultFigureVisible');
switch state
    case 'on'
        set(0, 'DefaultFigureVisible', 'off')
        disp('Figures are off.')
    case 'off'
        set(0, 'DefaultFigureVisible', 'on')
        disp('Figures are on.')
    otherwise %In case something goes completely nuts 
        disp('No change made.')
        disp(state)
end

MATLAB tip of the day: Invisible figures

Problem

MATLAB *.fig files won't open.

Key Symptoms

• when double-clicking on a *.fig file in a folder, no figure is shown in MATLAB; e.g. on a Mac, after double-clicking the file, you see the opening animation, but no signs in MATLAB that the file actually opened
• no error message is displayed in the MATLAB Command Window
• after an unsuccessful attempt to open a figure file, entering figure into the Command Window produces a new figure window labeled Figure 2 (or greater), not Figure 1
• figures made previously open normally
• affected figures do not open on other instances of MATLAB

Cause

About the time your figures stopped showing up, you probably turned off figure visibility. Setting figures invisible by default sets the figures invisible, including the files saved. That is, it's not a switch for the display of figures, it's a switch for the figures themselves.

Solution

There are several ways to make those figures visible again, but my favorite solution (to a problem that I don't think should exist in the first place) is to make a copy of the openfig function, and change the line for the default behavior (which is set to respect the visibility status of the figure file) to visible. Save that customized openfig function to your MATLAB directory, and you're all set.

Before I found this answer, I was despairing that I'd have to remake dozens of *.fig files that wouldn't open. When I saw this page, I realized that I had encountered (and corrected) this problem once before. To save myself – and whoever else comes across this post – some heartache, I decided to write it up.